Retrospect at March 3rd, 2021

Time flies. 1/6 of 2021 has gone.

Even every week feels like a month. The overwhelming and changing thoughts make me feel guilty: the life before WFH was spent irresponsibly and I was not aware, let alone concerned about it. Experience does change how the brain functions. The synapse connection topology affects how we abstract the biological sensations into feelings to make sense of the world and survive. Neurons that fire together wire together. The brain is still and will be a mystery for the foreseeable few decades. The perspective that the unexplainable neural nets might be smarter than humans makes a lot sense. We humans are too ignorant to understand and confront the probable fact that things we cannot interpret well but can work well exist, and we are too stupid to understand that. At least this perspective brings us to think about our stupidness. The opposite perspective most of the humans hold further proves how stupid most of the humans are.

People tending to perceive things in a stupid way makes them less concerned so that they can stay happy and survive better. All the memories I have for the years spent in school is I studied hard, very hard. I don’t have other memories is because I have to survive first. The brain is smart enough to disable those terrible synapse connections so I don’t have to suffer from them. My brain is much smarter then me. I constantly feel stressed and don’t know how to relax is because I have never learned how to relax when I was a child. If my brain is smart enough, why doesn’t it figure this out for me? See, I am not able to understand how my brain works. Maybe the brain is responsible for surviving (avoiding get into negative phase), not for improving (helping get into positive phase). It seems making some sense and I can justify that so that becomes my knowledge. Because I am kind of smart, I will revisit this thought after some time.

Smart people suffer a lot more and they cannot go back to stupidness. Becoming smarter is irreversible. Becoming smarter does some good to us besides making us suffer. Otherwise, the brain will stop us from becoming smarter (avoid suffering). What is the good becoming smarter brings? Are we proactively choosing to become smarter? I think I am at least trying, even at the cost of the potential suffer. Because I think I will be able to handle the suffer. Smart people are always overconfident. Because if we don’t believe in that, we will not able to become smarter. Evolution wants us to become smarter. I am decided by the genetics and the experiences I have had and am having. I think I never had a chance to choose to not to be smarter. Destiny? Everything we cannot explain goes back to destiny. We are not smart enough to understand why we are evolving like this.

Alright, things I feel good about in the past two months:

1. I made a new friend, Luz. She is impressive in a lot ways.
2. I closed three paper writing. I need to continue because it helps me on critical thinking.
3. I did a presentation. It need to practice impromptu speaking. Actually regular work meetings help on this as well.
4. I learned how to use super ego to fight against ego, a bit. It helps constitute my beliefs and strengths it.
5. I am able to separate myself from the environment better. More detached.

Things to work on:

1. Stress. The more reward I get from experiences, the more I want. Don’t be that greedy. Even that is exciting. People say that we would feel better after going to office because we can see the superiority over others. LOL. It is kind of true, but it is not right.
2. Use precise words.
3. Sleeping.

Things I like continue doing:

1. dWdt for various purposes.
2. Build a small diverse team.
3. Reading.